Have you been watching the 2024 Seattle Mariners? Were you in attendance, or perhaps watching or listening from a remote location, to their game three and series loss against the Chicago Cubs at home? Then YOU may be entitled to compensation*!

Perhaps your season-opening, top-of-the-rotation ace isn’t performing up to the standards you were promised? Has shaky command, inconsistent results, and BABIP based bad luck caused you harm in your most recent, two to three outings with this player on the mound? GOOD NEWS! We can help you WITH JUST ONE CLICK*!

Recent events occurring on the date of April 14th, 2024 could have had you involved with engaging in optimism over the seeming improvement of the aforementioned top-of-the-rotation starter and ace. If you watched Luis Castillo post a Quality Start of six innings and three earned runs, missing a whopping 23 bats entirely on 56 swings, or a 41% whiff rate per Baseball Savant, then you may be one of the people we are talking about.

Luis Castillo induced 23 swings-and-misses in today's game, tied for the most in the Majors this season, joining Nathan Eovaldi-TEX (4/3 vs. TB) and Max Meyer-MIA (4/13 vs. ATL).

— Mariners PR (@MarinersPR) April 14, 2024

DO NOT MISS OUT! YES, Luis Castillo posted a Quality Start, had vastly improved command, and even struck out nine batters, but it may be BECAUSE of this that you could be entitled to reparations!*

The Bee Everfolly Foundation of Fake Disorders has declared that Felix’d Undoing Castillo’s K’s syndrome is a very real condition you may experience, and the symptoms involved are serious and can be harmful to your health. Have you found yourself sweating, cursing, or wishing for offensive production of any kind? Then you may suffer from this condition and we may want to hear from YOU!*

NOT ALL COMPENSATION WILL BE OWED DUE TO PITCHING RELATED OCCURRENCES! READ ON TO FIND OUT MORE!!!

Some people also suffer from a Mariners viewing condition known as Watching Poor Defense, and those that do may be particularly vulnerable to incidents of defensive plays both heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once! Confused? DO NOT WORRY, we are here to help explain!

Were you somehow involved with viewing or listening to the Seattle Mariners game against the Chicago Cubs on April 14, 2024, at the top of the second inning? Did you watch Dominic Canzone make an amazing running grab indicating good defense while simultaneously slamming so hard into the wall potentially showing a lack of situational awareness and therefore bad outfield defense?

Confused, distraught? YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Or perhaps this particular incident has caused you emotional harm because one of the few Mariners hitters hitting well in important situations is now injured and is almost guaranteed to miss not-insignificant time? DO NOT HESITATE TO FIND OUT THE GOOD NEWS!*

THERE ARE EVEN MORE WAYS THAT YOU COULD QUALIFY!

Many that watched the Seattle Mariners game played against the Chicago Cubs at T-Mobile Park also were involved in a situation in which they were led to BELIEVE. Being a victim of BELIEVE can be one of the most harmful of all Mariners-adjacent fake disorders, and this game contained events that may have effected thousands of victims!

You could have bore witness to one, or perhaps many of these events, and any and all of them will qualify YOU for the type of compensation we may be offering!* Did you suffer from BELIEVE when the Seattle Mariners reached base five innings in a row, and six out of nine innings total? Were you devastated when they followed up these opportunities with a confusing mix of stolen bases, sequential walks, hard hit balls right to defenders, and staring at middle-middle meatballs? WE. WANT. TO. HEAR. FROM. YOU!*

ALSO!, your BELIEVE levels may have reached a critical state when Jorge Polanco hit a two run home run in the bottom of the sixth to put the Mariners within one run with a score of 3-2. Witnessing this type of event with that many innings remaining and home field advantage has been clinically proven* to cause dangerous levels of BELIEVE, and YOU may be one of the affected fans we are talking about!

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!!!

There are STILL MORE events that occurred in the game on April 14, 2024 that may entitle you to the compensation we have been promising you!* Did you watch star player Julio Rodríguez, previously promised a mental off day, come in to pinch run the bottom of the ninth on first base with the game on the line, only to be picked off FOR THE FINAL OUT on a close play from leading off too far? Did this fill you with frustration at the young players eagerness? Or perhaps your emotional distraught stemmed not from criticism, but empathy for the player coming in cold off of the bench in such a crucial spot? Did you think the angles on the replay did not show cause for overturning the call on the field that the runner was safe? ANY and/or ALL of these things certainly entitle YOU to the compensation we discussed here!

Don’t hesitate! If you are one of the people discussed today, LET US KNOW!*

*Any and all forms of compensation, reparations, offerings, or good news offered in this article hold no monetary value and can only be issued in the form of the 2024 Seattle Mariners starting to play better. The 2024 Seattle Mariners beginning to play better is completely hypothetical, and there is no guarantee and therefore no obligation of Bee Everfolly, Lookout Landing, or any parties involved to fulfill this promise. Claims of wanting to hear from you are for purposes of parody only. We do not want to hear from you and any and all opinions about the Mariners sucking, being difficult to watch, or having caused emotional harm either real or imagined are not to be shared with the aforementioned involved parties. Exceptions will be made in the comments section of this post, pending the quality of the actions of implied commenters as well as the approval of the moderation team. The Bee Everfolly Foundation for Fake Disorders is itself an imaginary entity and therefore not liable to any responsibilities or distribution of compensations, and is not legally or medically qualified to make medical decisions or assessments or issue medical advice. All references to disorders in this article are references to emotional states achieved while emotionally investing in and watching a sports team and are not intended to make light of the very real issue of mental health, and are intended for parody purposes only. All references to clicking in this article refer very specifically to any and all of the folling: the click required to close a web browser that the game is on; the click on the television remote the game is on; the click of your car door closing as you continue your exit from an in person attendance of the game; the metaphorical click in your head upon the realization that the season is still young, this is a sport and watching is supposed to be fun, and you are in no way obligated to participate in an experience you are not enjoying and have decided to wait to participate until it becomes enjoyable once again. No clinical trials were ran associated with this article or any of the entities within, and any mention of such was intended for parody purposes only. Good news involved with player injury may include but is not promised to include the calling up of a prospect you have been looking forward to making their debut.